my own secret

i hope i am making the right decision. i remember right before i left for my vacation that i had a dream about Peter with a broken left arm. i think i have interpreted that as meaning that my left brain is broken and not making the decisions. i can definately confirm this based on the what i have been doing because i have been following passion instead of logic. but ultimately my ability to follow passion is constrained by the available resources.

right now i see a tough job market with continued unemployment that is flooded with experienced .NET programmers. i see an emerging mj industry where there are no good paying jobs except for the owners and growers. everyone is looking for capital which is exactly what i don’t have.

i think that doing this training will definately help me to differentiate myself in the job market and push me to a new income level. the few weeks that i will be engaged in this is definately worth the effort. so is the $15K that i have decided to invest. it’s funny actually because i have been asking for 10-16 K from various people and now i have finally gotten the 15k.

one of the things that i deal with is the difference between what i want and the greater good. on the one hand i feel that i create my life and that i am responsible for creating it the way i want it. on the other hand i feel that focusing too closely on the specifics of what i want can lead to a situation where i block my ability to receive what is really best for me.  i see this in many other lives as well. the person has gotten the things they wanted, but at the same time they are stuck at a particular level.

when i asked the goddess for help, this is what came to me. my job now is to accept and explore it to its fullest. the fact is that once i get a good paying job in San Diego or some other part of CA i will be able to pay off debt, raise money, grow and get into all the things i want to do.

how much negativity is in this  blog. and how much craziness and how much i fluctuate. i also noticed that my fantasies about millions are very small. i haven’t really thought big about it. i admit i have had a hard time imagining being wealthy but i feel like i am moving through that now.

i am finally working for myself and i never want to go back to working for someone else. i really want this company to grow and i have lots of ideas for future businesses. i don’t like the negativity here but since i generally never want to write unless i am feeling that way and there are not that many posts so actually maybe thats an indication that i have moved away from negativity.

i dont know what the big deal was. i had all this inside me and the only thing keeping it in was fear. now i am ready to live. i am also ready to love. for the first time in my life i feel ready to make a real committment to a marriage. we are going to laughlin as soon as possible. i am going to finish the three jobs i have now and work on on new contract at a time to balance out my school. plus i should be getting a payment from the school for living expenses. its so cheap to live there that money will go far.

i need to focus on my net worth.

Q: consider the ways of being and habits of your parents around money and how you are identical to them.

in my case, another scenario is also likely. the way that i am opposite of those ways of being because of rebellion.

well obviously that situation is rather complicated. my parents invested so much in buying a house and claimed that there was no money for non-essentials. this especcially applied to me. and of course looking back i realize that a huge part of it was my fathers stupid attitude about how this country which he worked so hard to immigrate to was a horrible place where the guiding principles of consumerism created a society of greedy shallow pigs. i was not allowed to have things, not because they could not afford it but rather because it was wrong to have things. if i got something due to pure necessity it was bought at a discount either from walmart or from a consignment shop. never something nice from the mall unless it was on reduced by at least 50%.

what’s odd about it is that i remember as a child i felt very strongly that i was meant to be rich. i felt like i had been rich in a previous life and it was a standard i was accustomed to. i could not understand why i was born into a family where having money and things was morally wrong and could only be made alright if those things were purchased at a deep discount.

when back to school time came i was lucky if i got one pair of pants and shirt from walmart. or, most likey we would go to the second hand store. it seems like my brother got past this somewhat by being in direct opposition to my parents. but when i was small i was beaten and abused to the point of submission. my only choice at that time was to give up on the idea that i would be wealthy and bury my natural sense of deserving wealth deep inside of myself to avoid the constant pain of lack.

to this day it is difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to have nice things, and the only way i can is to justify in my mind that it would all got to charity somehow.  when i watch tv shows like “cribs”  i appreciate the beauty of those things i see but somehow feel like those people have more than they need and thus they are greedy and bad.

it’s clear that my father was deeply affected by his mother and history. yet, we are have the chance to make a different choice. in all his searching for spirituality he failed to deal with some of the most basic limilations gained through his childhood. he has failed to find help for those problems and i remember as a child when he would try to talk to me like i was his therapist and even tried to get free help from a therapist i had.

he has suffered from depression all his life and still fails to take medication, opting instead for hours and hours of meditation.

for my mother. she also grew up poor. part of a huge family with parents who could barely provide for all of them. and learning to make the most of scraps.

in some ways, their emmigration here was a step toward breaking away from that poor history. but in many ways it seems like their evolution stopped there. until recently most of our conversations involved their constant rumination about how wonderfull it was to be poor and how evil it is here in the states because people will not settle for being poor.

i do not understand why my parents have failed to deal with their issues. and i do not care. i only wish to understand my own history and how the constant pressure of these ideas has created my current situation.

i also need to understand that in many ways i rebelled against my parents, and in my rebellion may have missed a valuable lesson. it’s not as clear anymore but i know that for many years i felt that if i was successful at something it was in spite of them. but my father would always try to take credit for my success and therfore i avoided having any. they should not have that satisfaction. in fact if i am mess and unable to do anything good isn’t that the best way to show them what terrible parents they were.

i could probably go on about it forever. but what would the point be. i simply need to understand how i have adopted these ideas and how they currently affect the way i live and my ability to be sucessfull.

i’m reading the book about having a millionaire mind and it is making a great deal of sense to me. he talks about figuring out what your money and success blueprint is and this is something i’ve been needing to do for some time. the way it plays out for me is that no matter how much money i have i am always broke. what’s even worse is that somehow i don’t really gain much from all the money i spend. i go to walmart and buy cheap things, or i waste huge amounts to feed my addiction. but no matter how it plays out, on paper i should be able to find a bunch of money but ultimately my bank account is zero or overdrawn. in the past i have blamed myself and said that it was because i simply didn’t have the discipline to keep to my budget but honestly i think it is so much more.

two things from the ritual:

1) bond with dennis coleman..ok so i got one better because D is actually more like the sick pervert that i wish dennis was.

2) open a dispensory. so, all of a sudden you are making plans to start your mail order business out there.

so, it has all gone according to plan. but what is the next part of the plan? well i am getting the feeling that being with D is a precursor to something else. a way to work through things.

and that thing is what i created when i asked the universe to give Diana a daddy. the other thing I really want is to be thin. i want to be wealthy and happy in my job.

it’s new years day and i have a plan.

1) no drinking

2) make sure you work 40 hours a week and pay bills

3) no smoking during work hours. this is compromising the balance between work and play.  if up all night no smoking after 4am and drink a lot of water.

4) plan for MJ baking co.

5) put money away, pay off bills.

6) figure out a situation for CA. Mark?

7) loss weight. down to 160 in May.

think about it. that weird feeling may or may not be from Mike. it might be from Dennis who once again thinks your nuts. and plus you really crossed the line. you were much too careless with the things you told him. i doubt he will ever write back to you. then again it is good that you will be divorced.

how is it that i have turned into an extrovert? all of a sudden i need and want people in my life. i think this all has to do with me releasing that wall i had around me for so long.

one of the things i am noticing is that in the past if something happened i would just cut the person off and run away. but now i am learning how to just forgive and forget and maintain the relationship with them.

i really like where i am in my life now. i knew this was going to be part of my transition into being 40. things are going really well. i am lonely though. i really care about Dar but our relationship is so limited. i really would like to find someone who i can be with on a day to day basis.

i can finally be sure that my brother Mike hates me. and i can’t seem to shake his hatred. did i molest him when he was a young boy? did i abandon him to be molested by our dad? i think maybe both of those things are true. and not only that but david helped dad collect evidence against me in case i ever tried to black mail him. that’s why that gateway laptop disappeared. i am having a hard time shaking this feeling. plus they are all mad at me for drinking. i have been changing and they are having a hard time understanding what i am turning into. and mike has all this anti woman hatred as well. god, was i like this when i was younger. i just wish i could shake this energy out of my energy field.

i am so lost today. i have not been working much. partially because of the holidays and partially because i have been taking time off so i could stay at home and get stoned. i did not make my credit card payment this month and wont be able to. so all hell is going to break loose.  right now my car payment went through and i spent the rest of what i got on my tiny paycheck on weed.  the payment for nutrisystem is supposed to go through but i don’t think it will be able to. hopefully they will ship it out anyway and the charge will go through when the funds are available next wednesday.

i can not sleep at all half the time and it seems like the only joy i have in my life is drinking and smoking and going to my fantasy world.  i don’t even manage to accomplish anything at all. i just sit in front of my computer listening to music, or dancing and thinking about my fantasies with kinky sex.

the worst part is that it has been a month since the weed from BC was sent and every day is like torture when i go to the mailbox and it isn’t there.  i have such a bad jones that it is just miserable.  horrible. all i can think of is getting weed. and that thought is in my head all day and all night long. this is addiction. no doubt about it.

i literally can not imagine any happiness, not from my career, not from my gorgeous daughter, not from my weight loss or my social life. nothing can bring me happiness but weed. this is terrible. just terrible.

i don’t know if i need to hit bottom. but i do know that i have become obsessed with starting a mail order business. to me this would be so heavenly. to be in CA and have lots of social contacts in the BDSM world and also work for myself and be surrounded by tons of weed all the time. oh fantastic. and the worst part is that i am willing to go to jail to do it. that is how much i need this drug.

well so anyway the whole problem seems to be that all i want to do is be in a drunk, stoned, sexually charged daze for as long as possible. this is in turn making it harder for me to do normal stuff.