my own secret

I woke up this morning feeling quite sick. There were of course some stresses that may have played a hand in this, as well as the knowledge that there is in fact some sort of stomach virus going around. Outside of the normal amount of nausea and diarrhea that’s normally associated with such a thing I was also sore all over, couldn’t focus my eyes and felt deeply uncomfortable. But now I feel just fine. I realized at some point that because of the focused attention I have been putting on releasing my limitations as evidenced by my magical work over the last two full moons that I had come to believe that the period of adjustment during which these limits could be relieved would be necessarily uncomfortable. Yet at some point I also realized that it was my own choice and decision that this was the case. I wasn’t sure at first if I really wanted to let that go as well. After all, how would I know that I was moving through a transition if not for the pain? Eventually I decided to release that as well. The result is that most of my symptoms have “magically” disappeared. By why not all of them? This is a question that deserves further investigation. I think it has to do with an association I’ve made about my school work. Even though the work itself is easy to me, I’ve also decided that it takes a great deal of time and energy. I think this is because I feel that if it is so easy and takes no time and no energy then how much could it possibly be worth. This philosophy is most likely rampant within my mind regarding many if not all of the projects that I am undertaking in my life.

It reminds me of something that happened the other day. I was feeling deeply dissatisfied with the ability of the public school system to educated my child. I mentioned this to my co-worker who’s advice to me was “don’t tell her she’s smart”. Although I did not verbally disagree with the woman ( as my political competency is fairly high ) but the only thing in my mind at that point was that her advice was the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I realized that for most people being able to conform and be “normal” is a very high priority. They will sacrifice their own dreams in order to achieve it. I’m not entirely sure why so many people do this. Perhaps it is part of the survival instinct itself. This goal of being the same includes the ability to comfortable move in a group. Being in a group increases safety and decreases risk as long as the leaders are interested in the group’s survival.

The commonly held goals of “finding the answer” and being “stabilized” are really diametrically opposed to the idea of continuous evolution and growth. Since the answer must be questioned and there is no real stability as everything always changes.

Now, I need to get back to my schoolwork which will not only be easy for me to do, but it will get done very quickly with little energy and time expenditure. Even though it takes time and energy for other people I accept that I will be further differentiated from them even though I may or may not choose to highlight this differentiation by letting people know. In other words, if it’s hard for others and easy for you than others will resent you. Sometimes it’s better to pretend it’s just as hard for you around most people and do your own thing ( sneaky style ) when they aren’t looking.